year 32: jt’s b-day psalm (aka prayers from the dark-side)

March 30, 2008

Life has been so unbelievable up to now.  (It seems to me.)  It’s difficult, still, for me to get around its harshness.  I want to soften the edges.  I want to forget–or misremember, at least–the hardest, most broken parts.  And yet, in some strange way, these are the very parts that have made me feel truly alive.  These are the deep(est?) places in my experience and they cause me to feel most present to myself.

It’s strange–and silly–to me that even the smallest of life’s disappointments and fears can trigger so quickly the deepest moments of life’s pain and hurt.

So my Office-Depot-boyfriend up and got married.  So what?  So …

So all of a sudden I am wondering again at my own misguided hopes and ideas for intimacy.  Past and present.  (Does nothing I aspire to in life make sense?  Are none of my inclinations founded?)  Are You, God, here in this on-going conversation with me?  (Or had I only imagined as much?)  Must I be forever out of step with Your agenda?  What’s so tough about us getting onto the same page?

It seems such dissonance is not in the essentials.  We’ve got the daily tasks and errands figured out; I’m on-board with the purposes of life.  But in the non-essentials.  In the moments of wishing and hoping; in desiring and deep-longing … why can I never seem to be in synch with what You’re all about?  When “we” pause from the duties at hand, pull-off the roadside for Kwikstop, and run inside for a treat … why do I always feel so disappointed in the end?

O Lord, may I more fully receive Your desires for me.  And not just in the big moments or lofty-goals … but in the little “I want chocolate” or “I’ll take pink” (ice-cream & Starburst) moments.  I need to believe You are signed up for those with me as well.

I have missed us–and such honesty together.  Has it been a day or a decade since such candor?  Forgive me for failing to be more forthright.  Begin–please–to mend our very small and average conversations of-late.  Begin to keep company with me in the places where I’ve been withholding interaction and trust.  I’m wanting to love you still (and so much deeper than I do) …

3/08, Jt’s Journal (because every once in awhile it’s okay to let others peek-in)


4 Responses to “year 32: jt’s b-day psalm (aka prayers from the dark-side)”

  1. guido the pool boy Says:

    I am not worthy!

  2. jd Says:

    Love you friend! Hey is office depot boyfriend different that office max boyfriend…

    …thanks for the peek…

  3. jt Says:

    Jen, certain names and details above have been “altered” to protect the innocent. So, yes … the office-depot boyfriend aforementioned is reference to the office-max-worker we joke about. (I never can keep those office-stores straight).

    As far as I know, office-max, i mean,-depot worker did not actually “marry,” but is instead (as best as I can tell) one of my leading romantic-prospects (though we’ve yet to meet).

    Of course, the reference to him above does actually represent a real (though small) disappointment that triggered the remainder of my entry. More off-line …?

  4. jt Says:

    love ya, curt … (you’ve gotta be my biggest fan).

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